Anyone who knows me, and probably those who don't as well, are aware of the fact that I am a very...happy person What really happens is that I don't let other people see when I am anything but happy, because it would cause them to worry about me. I don't want to burden other people with me feelings, so I have become very good at controlling my emotions...or so I thought. Little did I know that my emotions would send me to the hospital.

It wasn't that I was out of control, I just wasn't controlled enough.

I was standing in my living room talking to someone, listening rather, about an event that had recently taken place, and what the consequences of that event would be. Suddenly, I felt dizzy, so I decided to sit down. Sitting down did not help, however, and I could no longer hear who was speaking, or what they were saying. I fainted into the chair.

After about a minute, I regained consciousness, took a shower, and proceeded to get ready for another bothersome visit to the ER. I was just thankful that I was able to walk, because last time, I was wheeled in in a wheelchair, and the receptionist asked how far along I was in my pregnancy. Needles to say I wasn't exactly thrilled that she thought I was pregnant. So I registered, took a pager, and sat down to wait. And wait. And wait. Actually, as far as waits go, this one was not particularly long, but hospitals bore me, as I have spent much time there, so I contented myself with watching the people around me. Its amazing what you can see when you are not looking at yourself.

After approximately 6 or 7 hours of waiting, tests and random doctors and nurses coming in to update me on my "progress," I found out that I have a weak vagal nerve which reacts under pressure, or, in layman's terms, I faint easily. And I also have sinusitis, which was not a monumental surprise to me.

And so, my adventure, if you could call it that, ended with instructions to take some medication for the sinusitis and get some rest, as well as some fairly decent sketches.

Now the question of the day, or rather the week, is thus:
Do we control our emotions, or do they control us?

Inside my head

In the dark, when I'm alone, is when I feel the most vulnerable. When all the people I talk to have left, and I am by myself, I feel worthless. It seems shallow and superficial to say that, but its how I really feel. I wonder who I really am, because I feel so....incomplete without someone to talk to. Most people are afraid to recognize their fears, but I know full well what my weaknesses are: I am a people-pleaser. Making other people happy makes me happy. It really doesn't take much to make me happy, just a smile, or a tiny compliment. So I wonder why its not the same for everyone else. I realize that all people are different, and I'm glad for that, but I still think that I should be able to make them happy. When I was young, my mother told me that I found my place in books, that they were my escape and I told her she was crazy. But now I realize that she was right. Its funny how moms know more than you think they do. Books were, and probably still are, my refuge. I want my refuge to be Christ, but sometimes it feels like He's not really listening. What is wrong with me that I think these things? I think its easier for me to find my refuge in books, because I can put my life up on a shelf and read about someone else's. What I think I need to work on is doing what scares me the most: living. I don't want to live for me, because that clearly hasn't worked out so far. I want to live for Christ, but I don't know how.

God, please help me to live for YOU, not for me, or for what others think of me. Help me to want to pursue your fame, not mine. I need YOUR help.

I wonder what my life is, who I'm living for...and why????

In the beginning....

Well this is my first blog, so I suppose it should be some kind of introduction, but I never was one to follow the rules. Just for the sake of the one person reading this (me) I will explain exactly why I am writing this blog. I have always been a curious person, but I have never had the courage to ask the questions that plague me. So I will ask them, and try to figure out some kind of answer here, on this blog. Perhaps God will reveal his purpose for me with this blog, I don't know. But I've been told that writing down your thoughts is healthy, so that is what I will do.

Thoughts for today:

• What should I do with my life?

I'm afraid not knowing what I will do, I don't want to become one of those people who spends their life waiting for it to start. So many people do that and then, looking back, they wonder "What if?" I want to please those around me, probably to an unsafe extent, but I can't help it. I think I was born to make other people happy, that's what I'm good at. I am always happy, so I feel the need to spread that happiness. That is what I want to do with my life: change the life of someone else.