Inside my head

In the dark, when I'm alone, is when I feel the most vulnerable. When all the people I talk to have left, and I am by myself, I feel worthless. It seems shallow and superficial to say that, but its how I really feel. I wonder who I really am, because I feel so....incomplete without someone to talk to. Most people are afraid to recognize their fears, but I know full well what my weaknesses are: I am a people-pleaser. Making other people happy makes me happy. It really doesn't take much to make me happy, just a smile, or a tiny compliment. So I wonder why its not the same for everyone else. I realize that all people are different, and I'm glad for that, but I still think that I should be able to make them happy. When I was young, my mother told me that I found my place in books, that they were my escape and I told her she was crazy. But now I realize that she was right. Its funny how moms know more than you think they do. Books were, and probably still are, my refuge. I want my refuge to be Christ, but sometimes it feels like He's not really listening. What is wrong with me that I think these things? I think its easier for me to find my refuge in books, because I can put my life up on a shelf and read about someone else's. What I think I need to work on is doing what scares me the most: living. I don't want to live for me, because that clearly hasn't worked out so far. I want to live for Christ, but I don't know how.

God, please help me to live for YOU, not for me, or for what others think of me. Help me to want to pursue your fame, not mine. I need YOUR help.

I wonder what my life is, who I'm living for...and why????

In the beginning....

Well this is my first blog, so I suppose it should be some kind of introduction, but I never was one to follow the rules. Just for the sake of the one person reading this (me) I will explain exactly why I am writing this blog. I have always been a curious person, but I have never had the courage to ask the questions that plague me. So I will ask them, and try to figure out some kind of answer here, on this blog. Perhaps God will reveal his purpose for me with this blog, I don't know. But I've been told that writing down your thoughts is healthy, so that is what I will do.

Thoughts for today:

• What should I do with my life?

I'm afraid not knowing what I will do, I don't want to become one of those people who spends their life waiting for it to start. So many people do that and then, looking back, they wonder "What if?" I want to please those around me, probably to an unsafe extent, but I can't help it. I think I was born to make other people happy, that's what I'm good at. I am always happy, so I feel the need to spread that happiness. That is what I want to do with my life: change the life of someone else.