Inside my head

In the dark, when I'm alone, is when I feel the most vulnerable. When all the people I talk to have left, and I am by myself, I feel worthless. It seems shallow and superficial to say that, but its how I really feel. I wonder who I really am, because I feel so....incomplete without someone to talk to. Most people are afraid to recognize their fears, but I know full well what my weaknesses are: I am a people-pleaser. Making other people happy makes me happy. It really doesn't take much to make me happy, just a smile, or a tiny compliment. So I wonder why its not the same for everyone else. I realize that all people are different, and I'm glad for that, but I still think that I should be able to make them happy. When I was young, my mother told me that I found my place in books, that they were my escape and I told her she was crazy. But now I realize that she was right. Its funny how moms know more than you think they do. Books were, and probably still are, my refuge. I want my refuge to be Christ, but sometimes it feels like He's not really listening. What is wrong with me that I think these things? I think its easier for me to find my refuge in books, because I can put my life up on a shelf and read about someone else's. What I think I need to work on is doing what scares me the most: living. I don't want to live for me, because that clearly hasn't worked out so far. I want to live for Christ, but I don't know how.

God, please help me to live for YOU, not for me, or for what others think of me. Help me to want to pursue your fame, not mine. I need YOUR help.

I wonder what my life is, who I'm living for...and why????